Since When Did I Become The Dream Dominatrix?

Last updated on July 12th, 2022 at 02:58 pm

She wears thigh-high boots with six-inch stiletto heels, fishnets, and a black lace-up corset. She stands powerfully, feet planted wide, arms akimbo.

She is wielding a whip and she is fierce.

She is my Inner Dominatrix and she comes out to spank me when I’m not living my dreams (or doing whatever else it is that I’ve decided that I “should” be doing at any given moment in time).

My “Devil On the Shoulder…”

Some people have a devil on their shoulders. I have a Dominatrix. She is me, in miniature, with fiery red hair and a wicked temper. Pain is her medium. She lives for my suffering and loves to see me squirm.

I pictured this imaginary little figure perched on my shoulder one day when a life coach suggested that I try visualizing my critical inner voices. What does my inner judge look like? It was clear that mine was a mean S.O.B. That she had no mercy with me.

Bear in mind that I’ve been living with this punishing vixen for as long as I can imagine — perhaps since I was about three?

“You Are Not Enough…”

I’m not sure when I first decided that it wasn’t OK to be real and human (that I needed to be “perfect,” whatever that means, at all times in all ways) or when I first decided that it was up to me to personally and single-handedly save the world. But somehow, somewhere along the way, I developed a wicked inner critic who constantly beat me into submission for not being “good enough.”

No matter what I did, I should be doing more. No matter how fit I was, I should be more fit. I should be Thinner. Faster. Smarter. Prettier. More accomplished. Wealthier. Just… better.

How Dare She Get Near My Dreams…

It occurred to me last week when I was busy beating myself up again for not meeting my writing page-count goals, that she was up there again, cracking that whip.

You’ve been traveling? So what! You’re tired? So what! Do you have work deadlines? So what!

You should be living your dreams anyways, taking steps forward every day.

In theory, absolutely, yes. And yet, as another one of my fellow dreamers put it so aptly last week, “I believe life ebbs and flows…”

Sometimes we just need a little breather from our dream to let our bodies, minds, or spirits rest, or to take care of some of the multitudes of other details in our busy daily lives.

Trying A New Practice

My sister Carrie and I created a new practice for ourselves years ago when we realized that we were beating ourselves up for not going to the gym as often as we hoped. Say we’d decided that we needed to go to the gym three days a week, but went twice.

Instead of celebrating the fact that I went to the gym twice (vs. not going at all), I’d give myself a hard time for not going that the third time.

At some point I decided to shift my perspective, and instead started to celebrate myself for the times I did go. Maybe I didn’t hit my gym goals every week, but I started to appreciate it when I did and remind myself that this was a gift to me (and to those in my life), keeping me happy, active, and healthy.

Suddenly I started enjoying going to the gym more. Suddenly it wasn’t a big deal if I missed a workout once in a while. I’d just get back on track the following week.

Let’s Try This With Our Dreams, Shall We?

This week I’m going to try this with my dreams again. Every day that I write and make progress (and I did start back with my writing practice last week, and made progress!), I’m going to celebrate that.

I’m not going to punish myself when I don’t write. Life happens. It’s just about making incremental progress and getting back on track whenever we veer off our chosen path — of living our dreams.

Besides, last week, I briefly forgot my own cardinal rule of dreaming which is to HAVE FUN while doing it. This week, I am going to envision myself with a happy little girl on the other shoulder (Lisa is a small, joyful, bouncy, grinning girl, with big blue eyes and curly red pigtails) whenever the Dominatrix (Little Evil Whip-Wielding Lisa) pops up again.

I’ll remind myself that living our dreams is all about honoring the childhood spirit, harkening back to a time when we thought anything was possible (really, it still is!) and when we loved to just play. I want to PLAY while living my dreams this week.

LIGHTEN UP…

Best-selling Eat, Pray, Love author Elizabeth Gilbert writes about taking the top off the pressure cooker we women tend to live in, creating intense pressure on ourselves with the stories we tell ourselves when we indulge and listen to our inner critics. “Can we lighten up a little?” she asked the readers of Oprah’s O Magazine in her article The Key to A Well-Lived Life: Lighten Up!

Oh, Elizabeth, I agree… and I needed the reminder myself this week. I can stay focused and on track and still forgive myself when I screw up, don’t “get it right,” skip a day of meditating or writing or do something that seems out of line with my dreams.