Saying Goodbye to a Dream

Saying goodbye to a dream is scary when you don’t know what’s coming next. Even if you’ve tried to plan and picture what the changes will look like, you don’t know until you live it.

For everyone in the beginning, middle or end of a life change. This blog is for you. Whether you’ve ended a relationship, a marriage, or a friendship. Whether you’re moving, finding a new job or launching a new career. This blog is for you.

I was driving home from a family dinner in Boulder, trying to figure out HOW we were going to get the house empty in time. I kept worrying that this whole move was impossible. I was struck by words painted on the side of a building. I posted it on Facebook and my friend Sidney said it was Nelson Mandela.

It always seems impossible until it’s done.
-Nelson Mandela

The quote struck me as apropos while I contemplated the mountain of seemingly insurmountable change waiting at home.

Moving. Across the country. After divorce. Starting my business over from scratch.

I’m struggling to say goodbye to many dreams. The divorce has been final for awhile but seeing the house as it empties out is hard. The dreams we had when we bought this house are gone. Dead. Never to breathe with hope again. It’s almost like processing the divorce all over again. Though separating our belongings is actually the last step in this process.

When we bought this house we were married, loved each other, and eagerly expecting our new baby. We bought furniture to fit all of our family for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. We painted. Decorated. Well, let’s be honest, I was the force behind making the house a home. I “nested” with abandon. Paint chips, fabric swatches, the whole nine yards. This Army brat was going to PAINT and install stuff on walls.

I hand painted a bamboo forest in my son’s nursery. He has a giant giraffe and palm tree that he adored from infancy. There are monkeys, elephants, and lions and to this day he rejoices in showing them to me and re-telling the story that mommy made this room special just for him.

I created a studio. An oasis for my creative spirit and for clients to feel comfortable. I always exhaled and enjoyed coming into this space. So did clients, friends and family. Everyone would come down the stairs and be shocked that a whole other world of vintage and feminine fun was nestled here.

Saying goodbye to the tree my ex-hubby’s family planted in honor of my son’s birth is so painful. Saying goodbye to all of this is painful.

In this house I overcame post-partum depression. The team from the Boulder Community Infant Program came to my home when the Bub was six months and saved my life. They got my son and me through these three tumultuous years. I wonder how I will flourish without them. Will I remember how much I’ve overcome when I’m not in the house?

Today my ex-hubby and I sat at the beautiful dining table I thought we’d share many holidays at, shoulder to shoulder, sometimes sharing a pen, and to any outsider would look like any couple. I couldn’t help but feel sad to revisit the many dreams we shared when we became homeowners.

I’m trying to name what I’m feeling. And honestly, I’m scared. I’m scared to start over. Scared my business won’t grow. Scared I won’t make friends. Scared I’m making a mistake. Fear of the unknown is making me want to hide in my bed under the covers. Then the movers come to take the bed and I’m forced to open my eyes.

I’m pushing past the fear and saying goodbye to my dreams… Albeit tearfully. I hope the things I perceive as mistakes will be the best choices I’ve ever made.

It doesn’t take a lot of strength to hang on. It takes a lot of strength to let go.
-J. C. Watts

And of course I’ll update you all along the way. Here we go.

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Resources for postpartum depression

The Boulder Community Infant Program: for anyone in Boulder County, CO. Even if you’re not there, they can help refer you in the Denver metro area.

Postpartum Progress: a blog and amazing resource. I looked for help locally and my own doctors told me I was fine. Katherine Stone referred me to the Boulder Community Infant Program.