Dreaming of Making Love to a Jar of Peanut Butter

Last updated on November 11th, 2019 at 01:51 pm

Driving down the freeway at 11:00 pm all I can think about is eating an entire jar of peanut butter. My mouth begins to water and I am consumed with thoughts of eating something sweet. A banana wouldn’t be so bad, would it?

This is the battle I rage with my sugar addiction more often than I’d like to admit.

A large part of me desperately wants something sweet to eat and another part of me wants to stay focused on staying true to my healthy lifestyle dream.

I try to remember how good I look in the mirror when I’m avoiding sugar.

I try to remember that I don’t feel good when I eat sweet foods that don’t nourish my brain.

I try to remember how much I hate it when I eat too much sweet food.

While my inner-child is screams, “I want what I want and I want it now!”

No one can answer that screaming child, but me. I can read all the books and magazines on sugar addiction in the world, I can have personal trainer like TV personality, Jillian Michaels scream at me to drop the jar of peanut butter and get moving–but the painful truth is that unless I take the action to resist my inner “sugar child” then my healthy lifestyle dream won’t happen for me.

What happens when you do the same thing over and over again? It goes from being a groove to a grave and sugar is my casket.

How do I feel when I want so badly to give in to my sugar craving? I feel like crying. I feel alone and hungry–even when I’m not. I feel tired, irritable and I want a man to snuggle with and love me while I shout, “Get us some peanut butter ice cream, dammit!”

I don’t like how I feel when I’m wrestling with addictive tendencies. I wonder what it’s like for people who don’t experience enslavement to sugar or food. How it must feel to be free of thoughts like: will sugar satisfy the screaming child in my head? How long will this craving last if I don’t give into it? When will this restless feeling subside? How can I relax?

How do I make this screaming little girl go away?

The only way I know how to stop the craving is to eat sugar in just about any form. Then I can curl up in a ball and go to sleep, but without sugar, my legs are so restless–my mind in 1,000 different places. I can’t relax and let go.

How do I create a place where I can give myself what I need?

There is this awareness. There’s the sitting down and sharing this with you. Sitting here writing slows me down and distracts the child in my head screaming for sugar. I’m feeling the feeling right in front of you–being aware.

I need to be kind and gentle with myself, don’t I? Maybe I should take a long, hot shower, shave the nubs, put lotion on my body, brush my teeth and floss. Then jump into my clean jammies and distract myself further by changing the sheets on my bed. Maybe a bit of hot camomile tea will relax my brain and make it easier to fall asleep.

All these things can make me feel better.

But I still want something sweet to eat.

If I can resist, I will feel so much better tomorrow and if I listen to that child and eat a jar of peanut butter, I will feel horrible. Can I continue to support my dream of conquering my sugar addiction? How much do I love myself?

Veronica Jacobsen