How to Make Peace with the Past

Last updated on October 9th, 2024 at 12:37 pm

The universe had led me back to Troy, New York, from San Francisco to rebuild my home after a devastating fire. I spent a year getting the house put back together and decided it was time to talk to the local Democratic party. There would be an election that year, and I wanted to participate.

I met with the head of the Democratic party for Rensselaer County. He indicated that there was no open City Council seat and that other candidates had already lobbied the Democrats for those. However, there were open County Legislature seats.

I decided to go through the endorsement process, knowing I’d have until June to decide. I got the endorsements of the Democrats and the Working Families parties. I talked to a number of people in the city and county to get their advice.

Almost everyone I talked to tried to talk me out of running for the county seat. What I really wanted was the city council seat, anyway, yet the Democrats had asked me not to primary the other candidates.

Following Everyone Else’s Advice

I ultimately decided not to run for county legislature and also decided not to primary the other city council candidates and to be a “good party player” instead. Other avenues were opening up in my life. I spoke my story out loud at a Take Back the Night rally for victims of sexual assault for the first time, committed to writing my memoir, and hired a writing coach.

It felt like the universe was aligning things for me in a new direction, and I was open to it.

I worked on my book, completing the first draft. I was ecstatic, but there was still so much work left to do on the manuscript. I’d written 476 pages, which felt like a miracle to me. That year, I also started leading workshops and taking on individual coaching clients. This felt like a new direction—coaching, teaching, writing.

One More Window of Opportunity

As with the US political system, there would be another election cycle, that time with city council and mayoral seats open. I spent January of that year teaching in India. I had been invited back to teach at the School of Inspired Leadership (SOIL) in Gurgaon, India, and knew I might be teaching there again.

The direction my life was moving in felt good and I didn’t feel like I could commit to being in Troy the following January when the inaugural ceremonies would take place. So, once again, although there was a city council seat open this time in my district, and I could have run, I said no. My instincts told me that I could make even more of an impact through my books, coaching, and teaching than through government work. I felt that I might feel too confined and unable to spread my wings if I wasn’t able to travel or pursue other opportunities for a few years due to government work.

I also knew that I wanted to have a family and wasn’t sure that running for office in my 40s was the best idea. I figured I could postpone that for later when my kids were older.

A Dream Deferred

Months later,  I suddenly felt pangs of regret over the “road not taken.” It hit me viscerally, and I wondered if I’d done the “right thing.”

Since my mind, despite years of self-development work, neuro-linguistic reprogramming, and spiritual teachings, still sometimes likes to torture me, it created a scenario in which I could have somehow primaried the city council candidate, won, and then run for mayor two years later, won, and be doing that work now.

That is certainly a possible permutation of what could have happened in the past. Likely or unlikely, who knows, and in my mind, who cares since I love to “do the impossible.” I started asking myself: Did I miss the great opportunity of a lifetime? Now, one logically would say, and with accuracy, that I certainly can still run in the future.

Since I want to have a family, I might not choose to do it for another ten years, yet it’s doable. I can certainly apply my energy and passion for transformation in the urban arena in other ways. And I’ve begun to come up with new ideas to do just that, including coaching women elected officials to help support them in these challenging roles. Since there is no going back, I’ll never know what could have happened if I had tried. I am making peace with what is and making sure I feel excited about my next steps.

9 Ways How to Make Peace with the Past

1. You have always done your best with the knowledge, wisdom, and level of awareness you had at any given moment.
With this in mind, how can you punish yourself for your decisions? You did your best to discern what would create a better outcome at the time.

2. No one is perfect, and there is no such thing as “one” perfect destiny or path.
I don’t believe that life works that way. You learn and grow from your mistakes, and making mistakes is just part of the path.

3. Sometimes you just need a wake-up call.
A feeling of regret can linger and cause you to suffer, or you can use it to examine what you want to create next in your life. If you feel called to do something else, you can figure out a way to make it happen or find other ways to channel that energy.

4. The universe is unfolding as it should.
You are somehow always where you need to be to evolve, learn, and live your highest purpose. Grace is infinite, and you can’t ever truly “fall off the path.” There are always new opportunities to create, grow, and love from where you are.

5. Reflect on the lessons learned.
Take some time to reflect on how the experiences you regret have contributed to your growth and personal development. Each moment, even those that feel like missed opportunities can provide valuable lessons that shape who you are becoming.

6. Embrace forgiveness, especially for yourself.
It’s essential to forgive yourself for past decisions, especially when you realize they weren’t aligned with your ultimate desires. Letting go of self-blame is key to moving forward and allows you to embrace new possibilities without the weight of regret.

7. Take responsibility for your choices.
Accepting that you made a decision based on what you believed was best at the time can help you regain control over your narrative. Acknowledging your choices empowers you to be proactive about your future without feeling stuck in the past.

8. Reframe the narrative.
Instead of focusing on “what could have been,” try reframing the narrative more positively. Consider how your path has led to new and unexpected opportunities that you wouldn’t have otherwise encountered. Shifting your perspective can help ease feelings of regret.

9. Create closure through action.
One of the most effective ways to release regret is to channel that energy into action. Whether it’s volunteering, mentoring, or pursuing a passion project, taking tangible steps toward fulfilling new goals helps transform regret into motivation for future success.

Life is now, and life is short. When you feel a powerful calling in a certain direction, sometimes it may be worth it to throw caution to the wind and just go for it and do the impossible, no matter what anyone else says.

Be grateful for the opportunity to do some soul-searching when things don’t go as planned. Life is too short and precious to let it slip away. Commit to doing whatever you need to do to create the best possible life from where you are today. Commit to never saying no to your big dreams just because others don’t believe in you. Only you can know what’s truly right for you.

Commit to saying yes to your life today, minus any regrets.