Last updated on March 27th, 2024 at 02:38 pm
Since you dreamed of being a famous public speaker…
Here are 50 funny, professional speaker quotes from some of the world’s most famous women and motivational speakers of our time. Feel free to share our funny, professional speaker quotes collection with anyone looking for a bit of laughter or an opening line to a motivational speech.
50 Most Funny Professional Speaker Quotes–
1. I’m a motivational speaker and a comedian, which means I tell you you can do anything. Then I tell you I’m just kidding. Kelly Swanson
2. When God closes a door, He opens a window. So you can jump. Kelly Swanson
3. Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person three or four times. Helen Rowland
4. You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself. Ethel Barrymore
5. I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early. Yogi Berra
6. My cousin, bless his heart, wasn’t a loser – it was just that he started at the bottom and liked it there. Minnie Pearl
7. I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde
8. I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock. Henny Youngman
9. People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar
10. Burn your computer. Blow up your TV. Bludgeon your cell phone. Breathe deeply. This, my friends, is the secret to inner-peace. Brian Vaszily
11. A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory. Unknown
12. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. Unknown
13. I’ve developed a new philosophy… I only dread one day at a time. Charles Schulz
14. None of us is as dumb as all of us. Unknown
15. Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn’t spend half our time wishing. Alexander Woollcott
16. If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That’ll do them in. Unknown
17. I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages. William Mauldin
18. If I had a dollar for every time someone came to me with not only a problem but also a possible solution to that problem, I’d have six dollars. Brian Vaszily
19. Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else. Unknown
20. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Dale Carnegie
21. To do is to be. Descartes To be is to do. Voltaire Do be do be do. Frank Sinatra
22. When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. Erma Bombeck
23. Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, “A house guest,” you’re wrong because I have just described my kids. Erma Bombeck
24. I only clean the parts of my house people can see. From the street. Kelly Swanson
25. I had a handle on life, but it broke. Anonymous
26. I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. Erma Bombeck
27. Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. Erma Bombeck
28. If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it. Erma Bombeck
29. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns
30. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. George Burns
31. I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life. George Burns
32. I was always taught to respect my elders and I’ve now reached the age when I don’t have anybody to respect. George Burns
33. I’d go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. George Burns
34. I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. George Burns
35. I’m going to stay in show business until I’m the last one left. George Burns
36. If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it. George Burns
37. If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age. George Burns
38. It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. George Burns
39. I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers
40. If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers
41. It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up. Joan Rivers
42. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers
43. I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door — or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.” Joan Rivers
44. The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. Joan Rivers
45. She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. Joan Rivers
46. Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in High Heels!” Joan Rivers
47. There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. Will Rogers
48. Studying humor is like dissecting a frog — you may know a lot but you end up with a dead frog. Mark Twain
49. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres
50. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. Ellen DeGeneres
“I love Facebook. I now have 857 friends who think I look like my high school picture.” – Kelly Swanson
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Kelly Swanson is an award-winning storyteller, comedian, motivational speaker, Huffington Post Contributor, and cast member of The Fashion Hero television show airing on Amazon Prime. She is also the author of Who Hijacked My Fairy Tale, The Land of If Only, The Story Formula, and The Affirmation Journal for Positive Thinking. She was a featured entertainer for Holland America Cruise Lines, keynote speaker for the International Toastmasters Convention, and has keynoted major conferences and corporate events from coast to coast. She just launched her one-woman show Who Hijacked My Fairy Tale in theaters, and it is being booked all over the country. In July of 2022, she was inducted into the National Speakers Association Speaker Hall of Fame.
Note: Articles by Kelly may contain affiliate links and may be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking on an affiliate link.
